I think I have spoken quite many times about void and disaster energy already in my blog. But the energy I have been experiencing since the past two months seems to differ a bit. Since I don't maintain any journal apart from this blog, I don't exactly remember when it started and what has been its periodicity. But I can say that the quality of the energy has changed quite a bit.
When I experience this phase, I experience tremendous amount of self-pity and also a lot of grief...infact as if the whole grief of the world is on my shoulders. I cry inconsolably for my state and I can just weep like that non-stop, for say at least ten minutes, as if my heart is poring itself out with no bounds. Weeping used to happen before too, once in a while, but then it wasn't with this kind of intensity. Weeping perhaps brought me solace before, but the weeping of late, feels more like inconsolable vent out.
I gradually realised that during such a phase the energy craves for non-existence. I just don't feel like existing during such phases and I absolutely feel like dying. It's just that I cannot gather my will power to commit such an act, but if I do have will power I might as well commit that. Such would be the grief during those times. I think such is the paradox of that situation...it is due to lack of an integrating spirit and will power that I experience such grief and pain and it is that very deficit which does not allow me to deal with grief and pain in a systematic way. I feel like all parts of me are so disintegrated that I don't feel myself actually. I feel myself more as a spectator of myself, than as my own self...if that makes any sense!
But then, I'm sure you would recollect that most of the features in the last para - like the sensation of dying etc, I had already mentioned that I was experiencing during void and disaster energy phases. But the intensity of this seems to be too much, of late. Sure! I must also mention that I have been experiencing phases of normalcy - peace and calmness as such without any explicit accomplishments - more than ever these days...but when such phases of disaster energy recur, the killer energy is certainly going for the kill. It's becoming quite a nightmare to experience this.
The normalcy is feeling better and better and the killer energy getting worser and worser. I'm just waiting for this (-> recurrence of killer-energy phase) to end soon!
When I experience this phase, I experience tremendous amount of self-pity and also a lot of grief...infact as if the whole grief of the world is on my shoulders. I cry inconsolably for my state and I can just weep like that non-stop, for say at least ten minutes, as if my heart is poring itself out with no bounds. Weeping used to happen before too, once in a while, but then it wasn't with this kind of intensity. Weeping perhaps brought me solace before, but the weeping of late, feels more like inconsolable vent out.
I gradually realised that during such a phase the energy craves for non-existence. I just don't feel like existing during such phases and I absolutely feel like dying. It's just that I cannot gather my will power to commit such an act, but if I do have will power I might as well commit that. Such would be the grief during those times. I think such is the paradox of that situation...it is due to lack of an integrating spirit and will power that I experience such grief and pain and it is that very deficit which does not allow me to deal with grief and pain in a systematic way. I feel like all parts of me are so disintegrated that I don't feel myself actually. I feel myself more as a spectator of myself, than as my own self...if that makes any sense!
But then, I'm sure you would recollect that most of the features in the last para - like the sensation of dying etc, I had already mentioned that I was experiencing during void and disaster energy phases. But the intensity of this seems to be too much, of late. Sure! I must also mention that I have been experiencing phases of normalcy - peace and calmness as such without any explicit accomplishments - more than ever these days...but when such phases of disaster energy recur, the killer energy is certainly going for the kill. It's becoming quite a nightmare to experience this.
The normalcy is feeling better and better and the killer energy getting worser and worser. I'm just waiting for this (-> recurrence of killer-energy phase) to end soon!
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